The Journal/Script
is lazing around behind a desk. He is on the phone with Wyatt, who is at Grind Me. Jonesy: "I'm telling you man, it's the best gig in the mall." Wyatt: "You do realize that every time you say that, things go horribly wrong." Jonesy: "This time it's different! The boss is never around, and I'm surrounded by tons of sweet merch that's just begging to be taken." up a squirt gun "Ooh!" Wyatt: "Don't you mean the merch is begging to be returned?" Jonesy: him "Here's a diary. Last entry: I can't stop thinking about Eddie! He's like a Greek god in hot jeans! So why won't he notice me?" laughing "Pathetic." Wyatt: out his coffee "Aw, man! I can't believe you just read me someone's diary. Ugh, now I feel dirty. I've gotta go wash." Jonesy: "But we haven't even gotten to a juicy part yet!" hangs up. "Wuss. Let's see now. I'm sick of my stinky so-called brother. I should tell everyone he still sleeps with his teddy bear. That'll teach–" shocked "–Jonesy?!? Gah!" drops the book. "Whose journal is this?" it "Jen? Whoa! And also..." an idea "...hey." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The Journal' ---- ''the Penalty Box, Jen is on the phone and looking at a black-haired boy. Jen: herself "Look at me...look at me, I'm irresistible if you'd just turn your stupid head!" boy leaves without noticing her. "Ugh! I swear, it's like I'm invisible!" Nikki: "You could introduce yourself." Jen: "Are you demented? Eddie's world-class boyfriend material. Star hockey player, volleyball champ, and on the honor roll. And what am I? Some anonymous cashier in a ref's outfit. Maybe if I was an Olympic snowboarder." Nikki: "Guess you better add 'Become an Olympian' to your to-do list." Jen: "Already done." Nikki: "Lemme guess. It's between 'Stop global warming' and 'Cure cancer?'" Jen: "That's a different list." Nikki: "How many lists do you have?" Jen: "Hold on. I've got them categorized in my journal." picks up her bag and looks through it. Her journal is nowhere to be found. Jen: "Oh no! My journal's not here! Why isn't it here? It's always in my bag!" Nikki: "Calm down. You probably just left it at home." Jen: things out of her bag "I never leave it at home it's where I keep all my most private intimate thoughts and feelings about everyone and everything where is it!" Nikki: "So, is there stuff in it that even I don't know about?" Jen: "What? Uh, no. No, not really. Well, stuff like the top 10 list, maybe, but you already know all my big stuff." Nikki: "Yeah. Well, no one's gonna get your secrets out of me, that's for sure." Jen: "I know. But if anyone reads that journal it'll be social armageddon! I know it's crazy, but I swear I can feel someone reading it right now." ---- Goldstein is joyfully listening to someone read Jen's diary. Jonesy: "Number Five: Win an Olympic gold medal for snowboarding. Oh, Jen. So predictable. Number Six–" Nikki: in "Hey there, Mr. Lost and Found. I seem to have misplaced my boyfriend." Jonesy: "Perfect timing! He just turned up." kiss. Nikki: "Are you actually reading a book without pictures? What is it?" Jonesy: "Jen's journal." Nikki: "What? You can't read that! It's private and confidential!" Jonesy: "And it's a real page-turner." Nikki: "You're unbelievable." Jonesy: "Thanks, hot lady. You're pretty unbelievable yourself." Nikki: "Give it to me!" have a tugging match over the book. Jonesy: "But I'm getting to know Jen in a whole new light!" Nikki: "You'll get to know my fist in a whole new light if you don't fork it over!" Jonesy: "Like you could ever harm a hair on this lovable head." plucks a hair from his head. "Ow!" Caitlin: in "I thought I heard you two!" tosses the book over. Jonesy: "Aw, man." Caitlin: "Wow, thanks! What is it?" Nikki: "Jen's journal." Caitlin: "No way! She must be in a total panic without it! Don't worry. I'll get it back to her ASAP." leaves. Nikki turns to Jonesy. Nikki: "And that would be the appropriate response to finding a friend's missing journal." Jonesy: "Caitlin has her way, I have mine. Hey, a portable game system. Tasty." Nikki: "You have the emotional depth of plankton." Jonesy: "Yeah, but I'm your plankton." Nikki: disgusted "Unh!" ---- walks towards the fountain. Jude approaches from the other side on his skateboard with his eyes shut. Jude: "Sweet...that's it...doin' great–" and Caitlin run into each other, and Jen's journal goes flying. Caitlin: "Ow!" Jude: at his phone "Forty-two seconds, and that's a new record for eyes-shut boarding!" looks up and gasps. Caitlin: "The journal!" journal is on the fountain's spout. It falls off. Caitlin rushes over and dives, catching it. Caitlin: "Okay, that was close." Jude: "Must be a pretty important book if it can't go underwater." Caitlin: "It's Jen's journal. I have to get it to her before someone tries to r–" a factoid "–huh. There's something about me. 'It's not fair Caitlin just bats her eyelashes to get boyfriend after boyfriend but I'm always single.'" offended "It's not my fault she can't get a guy!" takes a seat on a bench and starts to read the journal. Jude: "You go ahead and read that puppy. I'm gonna wait for the movie. I wonder who would play me? Kiefer Sutherland would be cool." skates away from Caitlin. Caitlin: "Ew! Get this!" and Julie walk past. "'Doctor says if I use the cream the rash will clear up in a week.' Gross!" notices Jude isn't with her. "Jude?" returns her attention to the book. Darth and Julie get behind her and read over her shoulder. ---- is vigorously searching the Penalty Box for her journal. Jen: "Ugh! It must have fallen out of my bag!" Coach Halder: "Masterson!" Jen: "Coach! Uh, I was just, uh, counting inventory." Coach Halder: "Five minutes in the penalty box. For disrupting the store. And another five for calling me a self-absorbed lunkhead." Jen: gasping "Who told you that?" Coach Halder: "I–" tears "–must be strong. I heard it around!" starts to cry. "Oh, oh my!" Halder walks away in tears. "I am so sorry!" Jen: "But the only time I've ever called him that was–" realizing "–in my journal! No!" ---- is playing the portable game console at work. Jonesy: "Die, snowman, die!" Wyatt: "This really is a sweet setup." Stanley: angrily "Gimme back my game!" Jonesy: "Sure. But, since there's no proof it's yours, you'll have to answer a few skill-testing questions first. Number one: what's the high score on Abominable Snowjob?" Stanley: "Eighteen thousand, two hundred and forty-five." Jonesy: "Wrong. It's nineteen thousand, seven hundred and thirty-seven now. Question number two. What part of my anatomy did I stick a pencil in when I was three years old?" Stanley: "You suck!" storms out. Jonesy: "Thank you, come again." the game "Where were we? Oh yeah. Die, you icy demon, die!" laughs. Wyatt: "Jonesy, you can't not give people their stuff back just because you want–hey! Is that a Gibson Les Paul?" Jonesy: "Hop in. Give it a try." Wyatt: towards the guitar "Come to papa!" ---- Nikki: Jen over the phone "So?" Jen: "My life is over." Nikki: "Overreact much?" Jen: "Not only is my journal still missing, but what's in it is starting to get out!" Nikki: "Wait. Didn't Caitlin come by?" Jen: "I haven't seen her all day." Nikki: muttering "That's what I get for delegating." Jen: "What is that supposed to mean?" Nikki: "Don't worry. I'm gonna find your journal, okay? Just try to act sane until I get there." buzzer rings, and Jen steps out of the box. Stuart Goldstein is in front of her. Jen: "Can I help you?" Stuart Goldstein: "Yeah, I heard through the grapevine that you might be able to recommend a good cream for my rash?" Jen: "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" ---- is playing guitar while Jonesy accompanies him on bongos. Jude walks in. Jude: "Dude! How much for the bongos?" Jonesy: "You wanna buy these?" Jude: "Totally." signs light up in Jonesy's eyes. Wyatt: "Okay. Now you're going too far." Jude: "Here's my life savings, dude. Three dollars and twenty-seven cents." dumps them out on the desk. Jonesy: over the bongos "Sold! Thanks for shopping at Jonesy's L&F Boutique!" Jude: "Sweet." leaves with his bongos. Wyatt: "I've got serious problems with this. Morally, practically, and legally." Jonesy: "Then I'm afraid you'll have to leave." grabs the guitar. "This is a morality, practicality, and legality-free zone." Wyatt: shrugging "Whatever." ---- is still reading the diary, although a somewhat larger crowd, composed mainly of old people, has gathered. Caitlin: "Style-obsessed? Since when am I style-obsessed?" woman walks by. "Ooh, cute skirt." Nikki: "Ah-ha!" Caitlin: "Nikki! I couldn't help it! It just fell open and I saw my name!" Nikki: "Bad friend, bad, bad." Caitlin: over the book "You're not gonna tell Jen, are you?" Nikki: "No. For her sake, not yours. I'd like to leave some room for blackmail down the road." Caitlin: "Now I see why Jen wrote what she did about you." Nikki: "What did she–wait. No. No. It's none of my business." Caitlin: "It's okay. She ranked you dead last in her People With Charisma list." Nikki: "She did not write that." Caitlin: "Page 32." Nikki: "I'm only opening it to prove you wrong." flips to the indicated page. "Unbelievable!" Caitlin: "I know, right?" Nikki: to another page "Jen had a crush on Jonesy in grade seven? I knew she was hiding something from me!" Caitlin: "No way! You should sit down. The reading light's better over here." Nikki: down "Okay, if Jen ever finds out we know about her old crush on Jonesy–" Caitlin: "Oh, I know! That would be the worst!" senior citizens around them crane their necks to get a better look. ---- is talking with an old man inside the lost and found. Jonesy: "A hundred dollars may seem like a lot for an umbrella, but it's worth it for this trim alone. That's Mach 4 hail protection." Old Man: "Impressive." Jen: up "Has anyone turned in my journal? It's yay big and full of incriminating secrets!" Jonesy: "It's not here, Jen, I promise you that. Can I interest you in a ladies' purse? I'll give you a family discount." Jen: "I am not buying someone's lost purse!" Jonesy: "If the previous owner had wanted to keep her purse, she wouldn't have lost it, would she?" Old Man: "You're Jen the Journal Girl? Listen, don't worry about your bust size. Just because your sister's chestier, doesn't mean you're not pretty." Jen: this "Oh. My. GROSS!" runs out of the lost and found, humiliated by how many of her secrets are getting out. Jonesy: "I don't remember reading anything about her bust size." Old Man: "There are public readings over by the fountain. Mighty entertaining." ---- and Nikki are still reading. The crowd behind them has grown. Wyatt and Jude walk up. Wyatt: "Hey. What's up?" Caitlin: "No way! She made a bar graph about our butts? According to this, my butt is the highest, yours is the roundest." Nikki: "What does she mean, roundest? I-is that code for biggest?" Wyatt: "How could you read Jen's journal when you know she's freaking out about someone reading it?!?" audience backs away, not wanting to be implicated in the crime. Wyatt: "You just made all her fears come true!" Nikki: "Oh come on, no way am I second on the Worst Coffee Breath list." Caitlin: "Who's number one?" Nikki: "Wyatt." Wyatt: shocked "No she didn't!" grabs the journal, sits down, and gasps. The audience comes back. ---- runs pell-mell through the mall. She comes to the Big Squeeze and pounds on it. Jen: "Caitlin? Ugh! Where is everybody when I need them?" and Julie walk by. Darth: "Hey Jen. Just so you know, I hate going to school dances too. Or at least I used to, before I met Julie." gasps. "But maybe when you finally get a boyfriend, you won't hate them so much." Jen: Darth with his tie "And just where did you hear that?" points towards the center of the mall. Jen: "Umph!" heads in the indicated direction. ---- crowd around the readers of Jen's journal has grown much larger. Caitlin: "'Last night I had that dream again. About me and Jonesy sitting on the Ferris Wheel kissing. When will it ever stop?'" Wyatt: "The first crush is the deepest." Caitlin: "So...Jen never told you she had a thing for Jonesy?" shakes her head. "Weird." Nikki: "I wish I still didn't know." Wyatt: "You don't think she's actually still into him, do you?" Caitlin: back a few pages "If she did, she'd say so here. You might lie to your friends, but you don't lie to your journal." Jonesy: up "It's official! I'm a moneymaking genius!" the book "Wait a minute! Is that Jen's journal you're holding, Nikki?" Nikki: "You tell her anything and I'll kill you in your sleep." Jonesy: "Sweet." takes a seat next to them. "What page are we on?" Nikki: "Uh, sixty-three, right guys?" Wyatt: "Oh, uh, yeah. Sixty-three." Jonesy: "Jen actually numbers the pages of her journal. And she wonders why no one ever calls her cool. Ooh! Check it out! She made a pie chart about each of us!" Wyatt: "I'm 30% talent but only 5% style? Ouch." Nikki: "Remember, no one ever tells Jen about this, ever." gasp distracts them. Jen has caught them in the act, with a huge audience no less. Jen: brokenly "I don't believe it." Nikki: "Jen–" Jen: "Thanks to my friends, now everyone knows every embarrassing detail of my so-called life!" four look behind them and only now notice the crowd that has formed. Nikki: over to Jen "Jen, please–" Jen: "How could you?" Eddie: "Hey there. I was just wondering. Did that rash ever clear up?" goes catatonic for a moment before bursting into tears and running out of the mall. Caitlin: "Oh no." Jonesy: "Yikes." Nikki: "Ah, what have we done?" ---- deserted five are sitting around the table. Jude is tapping on his bongos. Nikki: annoyed "Jude. Bongos." stops playing. Wyatt: "We really blew it this time." Caitlin: "I don't think Jen will ever forgive us for reading her journal." Wyatt: Nikki "You tricked me into reading it." Nikki: "Yeah, well, Caitlin tricked me." Caitlin: "But you're the one who handed it to me in the first place!" Nikki: "Only to get it away from Jonesy." Jonesy: "I blame whoever brought it to the lost and found in the first place. Stupid Good Samaritan!" Caitlin: "Jen–did say some harsh stuff." Jonesy: "Yeah! We're the ones who should be upset! Right?" hangs their head in shame. Nikki: sighing "She wasn't that harsh. And they're private. Imagine how you'd feel if the entire mall knew all your thoughts?" imagines it. In his dream, he's walking with Nikki through the mall, passing several girls. Jonesy: "Scored her, and her, and her, struck out with her but scored with her, twice–" his dream, Nikki hauls off and punches him in the face. Jonesy comes back to reality. Jonesy: "Gah! We've gotta go and apologize to Jen, stat!" ---- is lying around in bed, eating junk food. She picks up a teddy bear. Jen: "Oh Jingles, you're the only friend I have left. Which is seriously depressing. No offense." knock comes on her door. "Go away." Nikki: "Jen? It's us." Jen: under the sheets "I said go away!" friends enter the room anyway. Wyatt: "We just want to apologize." Jonesy: "You want to maybe come out from under the covers?" Jen: "So I can look at the so-called friends who ruined my life? Nuh-uh!" Caitlin: "C'mon, Jen. We made a big mistake. It's like you say in your journal, 'friendship can't be undone. Not when you're as close as we are.'" Wyatt: "Yeah, and what about when you said 'sometimes they drive me crazy, but I wouldn't change my friends for anything in the world?'" Jen: "I said that before you read my journal and started quoting from it! Now all of you, get out of my room, and out of this house, forever!" blindly throws a bag of chocolates, and it hits Jonesy. Jonesy: "Ow!" former friends quickly leave. Jen reaches out a hand from under the sheets and grabs the chocolate bag. ---- is tapping on his bongos again as he and his friends sit around the table. Wyatt, Jonesy, Caitlin, and Nikki: exasperated "Jude!" Jude: "Sorry. Dudes." stops playing. Caitlin: "How can we make it up to Jen?" Wyatt: "I'm not sure we can." Jude: "Whoa. We've been friends with Jen since we were little mini-dudes." Nikki: suggestively "Yeah. You and Jen were pretty tight back in the seventh grade, eh Jonesy?" Jonesy: "I guess." Nikki: "Hmm. Did you ever think about being, you know, more than friends?" Jonesy: "What are you talking about?" Nikki: "Like maybe, accidentally-on-purpose, y'know, kissing or something?" Jonesy: "Seriously, did you suffer a head injury today?" Nikki: "Just answer the question!" Jonesy: "No, I never kissed Jen, or thought about being more than friends. Why, did she–Jen has a crush on me!" Nikki: "No." Jonesy: excited "Jen is–into me?" Nikki: "Was into you. Past tense." Caitlin: "Nikki!" Jonesy: excited "Jen had a past-tense crush on me!" Nikki: "What is wrong with me?" Jonesy: "And back then, I had braces, and way bad hair! But I was still enough of a studmuffin to turn her crank!" hauls off and punches her boyfriend. Jonesy: "Aah! Ow, that hurt. Losing consciousness..." crashes to the ground. Jude: "Whoa." beatnik girl walks towards the table. "Greetings, attractive hippie chick." the bongos "So, I'm willing to guess that you dig my riffs so much that you want to go out on a date. Am I right?" Beatnik Girl: "Uh, those are my bongos." repossesses the drums. Jude: his neck "Okay. Got that wrong." ---- is searching the lost and found. Jonesy: "There's gotta be some kind of peace offering here for Jen. Broken cell phone, retainer, dead flowers...I guess I sold all the top quality stuff." Jonesy stops. In front of him are a bunch of people. Mullethead: "Hey man, I lost my guitar." Jonesy: nervous "Guitar, you say." a woman "Let me guess, you uh lost your purse. Whoo boy." giggles nervously. ---- Clones are chatting inside the Khaki Barn. Kristen: "I heard that Jen had one foot bigger than the other." hangs her head. Kirsten: "Well I heard that if Jen eats mushrooms, she'll wind up stuck on the toilet for like eight hours straight!" Chrissy: "Eww!" Nikki: "Well, I heard that all three of you guys have hairy backs. Eww!" Kirsten: shocked "Who told you that?" Nikki: "Oh, it's going around." Clones look at each other, scared. This gives Nikki an idea, and she calls Caitlin. Caitlin: "Hello?" Nikki: "Conferencing. You get Wyatt." calls Wyatt, and Nikki rings up Jude, who is skating blindfolded again while miming playing the bongos. Jude: disappointed "It's just not the same." his phone "Yo, what's up?" Wyatt: "I'm listening." Jonesy: with a black eye "Hello." Wyatt: "What's with you, Jonesy?" Jonesy: "Okay. So, selling lost and found stuff wasn't the best idea after all. That lady with the purse was a real bruiser. Oh, and did I mention? I just got fired." Nikki: "Focus, people. Jen's under her blanket, binging on brownies, and the entire mall is trashing her!" Jude: "So what do we do?" Nikki: "If we can't beat 'em, join 'em." ---- is at work. Stanley is telling a story to his mother. Stanley: "...and on Jen's first day of school, she had to say her name, she burped by mistake, so for the rest of the year, everyone called her–" burps. His mother and the guy with her laugh. Caitlin: "Okay. Don't tell anyone, but I heard Jen is totally on track to compete in the next Winter Olympics." customers gape at this news, suitably impressed. The same thing is going on inside the Khaki Barn. Kristen: "And she stepped in some doggie doo-doo, and tracked it all the way to gym class before she realized." Clones titter. Nikki smirks, picks up her phone, and pretends to have a conversation in plain view of her co-workers. Nikki: "Hey, did you hear the latest about Jen? Well, apparently Dougie Stewart, the hottest senior, begged her to go out with him, and she said no! He's not good enough for her." Clones gasp. "Poor Dougie. He's devastated." and Jude are by the fountain, ready for their part of the act. Jonesy: hammily "Jude, did you hear about the time Jen saved a guy, right here in the mall?" Jude: flatly "Dude, yes. Some depressed guy was going to throw himself off the fifth floor atrium, and he was all, 'Life isn't worth living.'" Jonesy: "And Jen was all, 'Not on my watch! You're destined for greatness!'" Jude: "'Really? Better not jump then.'" Jonesy: "Yep. So cool. But why did she risk her own neck for a total stranger?" Jude: "Dude, that's so Jen." two fall silent. A crowd has gathered and absorbed this gossip. Jonesy: to Jude "We're geniuses." Nikki: up with the other three friends "Your Genie nominations are in the mail." Jonesy: "Jen is gonna flip." Nikki: "Time to go get her." Jude: "One forgiving friend, coming up!" ---- is still lying around and eating junk food when a knock comes on the door. She rolls herself up in her blanket, inadvertently falling onto the floor. Jen: "Go away!" Jude: entering "Jen, I'm here to tell you everything is all better now. So, you can come back to the mall and be our friend again." Jen: "Forget it! I am not going anywhere!" Jude: a seat on Jen's bed "You know, Jen, you can stay here and be all sad, and kinda smelly, or, you can come back to the mall, and bask in the love and admiration of your peers! Once you've showered, that is." up "Because, when you think really hard about it, say, 'dudes, what you did was pretty dorky, but hey, I forgive you,' you'll feel like a hundred pounds lighter." blanket moves out of the bedroom and into the hall. "Huh?" Jen "And lighter is always better than heavier." blanket enters the bathroom, and the door shuts. The shower comes on immediately. "Just look at textbooks, skateboards, laptops even. Which would you choose?" shower noise immediately switches to what sounds like an electric toothbrush and then a hair dryer. "Heavier, or lighter? Lighter every time, dude! And when you–" toilet flushes and Jen exits the bathroom, clean and dressed. Jen: "So? Let's go already." Jude: "Right on." ---- and Jude walk through the food court. Jen has her hood up. Jude: "Be prepared to feel the love." Jen: "Yeah yeah, we'll see." almost bump into the Clones. Kristen: "Hi Jen! Looking hot, girlfriend!" Clones walk away. Coach Halder and Charlie Dobbs walk past. Coach Halder: "Whenever I feel scared, I just remember that Jen is out there somewhere, rising above her own fears, and then I know I can go on!" Darth: by with Julie "She can communicate with dogs and cats! That's what I heard." Jen: Jude "What did you guys do?" finger taps her on the shoulder. Stuart Goldstein: "I'm naming my daughter after you. And she's six. So it'll take a bit of getting used to, but it's the least I can do for my hero." Little Girl: "Can I have your autograph?" Jude: Jen a notepad and pen "Figured you might need this." signs her name on a sheet of paper, and the little girl walks off happily, clutching the paper to her chest. The rest of Jen's friends approach her. Nikki: "So, think you can forgive us now?" Jen: angry "You expect me to forgive you? For making me a role model? Well I don't forgive you for it!" happy "I love you for it!" six huddle together in a group hug. Eddie walks up. Eddie: "Hey there." Jen: "Eddie!" Eddie: "Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking before I mean, I'm just some schmo and you're this goddess. So will you give this idiot another chance?" Jen: "This day is really turning out well." Ron: Eddie away "Alright, you moppety maggots! No free love orgies permitted in the food court. Move along." six shuffle away, not breaking the hug. "C'mon. Let's go. You, the straggler. Get in. Okay, out." ---- food court is waving to Jen, who is sitting with her friends by the Big Squeeze and waving back. Jen: "It's good to be back." Wyatt: "How was the big date with Eddie?" Jen: "I don't think he's boyfriend material. First, I was an invisible dork, and then I was a goddess! But I want a guy who just likes me for me." Jonesy: "Give the lady her present." Caitlin: "Oh yeah!" Jen a gift-wrapped box "We got you something!" takes the lid off of the box, revealing a lock and key. Nikki: "It's a lock for your journal. Just in case you ever lose it again." Jen: "Thanks, guys! And before I lock up, I just want to cross one item off my list of top ten things I wanna do before I cack. Number Six: Being a role model. Check!" Jude: "Sweet." Category:Season 3